Story 590: Conference Encounter, Part 2

            (At a professional conference, attendees take their seats at long tables facing a giant screen, computer, and podium)

Event Coordinator: (Addressing the group on a microphone while standing next to Speaker) All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed lunch – I’m sure we’ll all regret that rich dessert soon enough though, heh-heh-heh!

Attendee 4: I regret nothing!

Event Coordinator: Right.  Now, our next speaker is actually our third speaker from this morning, continuing the rest of the presentation on “Quality Control and You”.

(Attendees groan and briefly slump onto the tables)

Attendee 5: Not again!

Event Coordinator: This isn’t a surprise, folks – you’ve had the conference agenda for the past month!

Attendee 5: We were hoping it was a typo.

Event Coordinator: I don’t get it: on past conference surveys, most of you said that you wanted more sessions on this topic!

Attendee 5: Not four hours’ worth, we don’t!

Event Coordinator: I had schedule gaps to fill!

Speaker: Doooooo you want me to step outside for a minute?

Event Coordinator: No!  No, please forgive the rudeness of your audience – (Glares at Attendees for a moment) and start your presentation as soon as you’re ready.  (To Attendees) We’re losing precious minutes here, and if you keep up with the bellyaching you’re gonna lose out on the next break.

Attendees: Nooooooooo!!!!  Anything but that!

Event Coordinator: Well then, zip it!  (To Speaker) Please proceed.

Speaker: (Accepting the microphone from Event Coordinator) Thank you; I’ll let you know when to advance the slides.  (To Attendees as Event Coordinator sits in front of the computer) As I mentioned at the last session, please feel free to ask me questions at any time.  (Sees a hand shoot up toward the front of the room) Yes?

Attendee 6: (Lowers hand) Is this just going to basically repeat the same information from the last session?

Event Coordinator: Hey!

Speaker: …Not much.

Attendee 6: Knew it.

Attendee 2: (Seated at the end of a table next to Attendee 3, across the aisle from Attendee 6; addressing the latter) What do you care?  You get credit no matter what.

Attendee 6: Good point: nighty-night.  (Lays head down on the table and immediately falls asleep)

Event Coordinator: Anyone caught napping will not be given their credit certificates!

(Attendees groan again)

Attendee 6: (Immediately awakens and sits straight) I’m up!

Event Coordinator: Thank you.  (Gestures “Go ahead” to Speaker) Please continue.

Speaker: Thanks.  (Looks up at the slide currently displayed on the giant screen) Now, let’s start with a case review –

Attendee 7: (Briefly raises hand) Sorry to be “that guy”, but I can see already on the screen that the case is one we’ve all heard about a bajillion times before and nothing new can be said on the subject, ever.

Event Coordinator: (Points to Attendee 7) That’s enough out of you!

Speaker: (To Event Coordinator) It’s OK – (To Attendee 7) That’s fair, but I bet you haven’t seen this version before.  (To Event Coordinator) Next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) This one has video clips!

Attendee 7: We’ve seen those, too!

Speaker: Oh.  Then can you pretend you didn’t?

Attendee 7: No.

Event Coordinator: Well, you’re gonna have to!

Speaker: It’s all right; next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator grinds teeth and advances to the next slide; Attendees groan again) What now?!

Attendee 1: (Sitting on the other side of Attendee 3) One of the speakers this morning literally had the same exact slide.  I mean, font and everything.

Speaker: That’s impossible!

Attendee 1: I’d agree, yet here we are.

Speaker: All right, fine – next slide, please!  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) Anyone seen this one before, hm?!

Attendee 4: (Tentatively raises hand) Just at your presentation last year.

Speaker: Ah!

Event Coordinator: (Stands and points to Attendee 4) Traitor!

Attendee 4: (Also stands) Hey, what’s right is right!

Attendee 5: (Also stands) If the whole presentation is like this then I’m going downstairs to the casino, credit or no credit!

Attendee 7: (Also stands) Fie on that!  I want credit for time served!

Attendee 6: (Also stands) And I want credit for all the sleep I’m missing out on today!

Most Attendees: (Also stand) Aye-aye!

Event Coordinator: (Trembling with rage) This is mutiny!

Attendee 4: Darn tootin’!

(Attendees and Event Coordinator begin yelling incomprehensibly at each other and papers begin flying around the room)

Attendee 2: (Leans forward to rest head on hands as chaos reigns) Retirement can’t come soon enough.

Attendee 3: (Sees Attendee 2’s name tag has spun around) OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Attendee 2 looks up sharply at Attendee 3) This entire time I thought you two worked at my old job, but you’ve actually been at an entire different company and been entirely different people THIS ENTIRE TIME?!

Attendee 2: (Frozen) Ummmmm….

Attendee 1: (After a moment of panic, leans in from the other side of Attendee 3) Oh my goodness, this entire time we thought you had worked at our job!

Attendee 3: No way!

Attendee 1: No way!

Attendee 2: No way?

Attendee 3: This… is… AMAZING!

(Attendee 3 pulls Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 into a three-way hug as they sob in relief and joy while the commotion escalates all around them and a paper airplane lands on their table)

Event Coordinator: (Climbs on top of a table, grabbing the microphone that was dropped on the floor in the middle of everything) ENOUGH!  (Everyone else freezes) If you all knock it off now, I’ll ask the kitchen to bring out both the canapés and the mac-and-cheese that you demanded for our evening reception, all right?!  (The standing Attendees suddenly sit back down with a collective “Bang!”)  Good.  (Looks down and sees Speaker hiding under a table; holds out the microphone) Here ya go.  (Speaker shakily stands and takes back the microphone) Now: please resume your presentation at the point where you were so rudely interrupted.  (Primly sits back at the computer)

Speaker: Tha – ahem – thank you.  (Stares out at the Attendees, who stare back expectantly) Soooo… next slide?

Story 589: Conference Encounter, Part 1

            (At a professional conference, attendees are eating buffet breakfast at round tables in another room at the venue before the day’s sessions begin)

Attendee 1: (Sitting across from Attendee 2 at an otherwise-unoccupied table, with an untouched bowl of cereal) I’m not gonna to lodge a complaint or anything – maybe mention it if they send a survey – but when you go to take a shower, and see one of the hotel’s freshly laundered washcloths already has a mystery stain on it… just makes you question everything.

Attendee 2: (Stares thoughtfully at Attendee 1 for a few moments) You know, I really wish you hadn’t told me that right before I was about to eat this bagel.  (Drops a buttered bagel back onto the plate)

Attendee 1: (Looks down at the bagel, then back at Attendee 2) Sorry.

(Attendee 3, carrying an overnight bag, starts to pass by the table but suddenly stops on seeing the other two)

Attendee 3: OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Startled, Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look up at Attendee 3) It’s the Corporate Crew, I can’t believe it!  (Swoops in and embraces Attendee 2)

Attendee 2: Hiiiiiii...? (Over Attendee 3’s back, desperately mouths “Who is this?!” to Attendee 1, who shrugs with a baffled look)

Attendee 3: (Pulls away from Attendee 2 and turns to embrace Attendee 1) It’s been what, three years now?  Four?

Attendee 1: (In mid-embrace, darts a panicked look at Attendee 2, who grimaces in defeat) Heh-heh-heh?

Attendee 3: (Pulls back, beaming broadly at both) This is so great.  I love seeing people I used to work with at these events, don’t you?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Yeah….

Attendee 3: Well, I just got here this morning, so I’m gonna go grab some breakfast – mind if I sit with you guys?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Sure….

Attendee 3: Great!  (Drops the overnight bag onto the floor next to the table) Please watch my stuff for a minute – I’ll be right back, and then we can catch up!  Oh, you two want anything?  (They both shake their heads) All righty – bye!  (Practically skips to the buffet table)

Attendee 1: (Whispers as both lean toward each other) I think we should go to the conference room and get seats, now!

Attendee 2: (Also whispers) Don’t be rude!  Besides, we’ll all be in the same room for the next eight hours – how’d we ever avoid the shame?

Attendee 1: So you remember who that person is?

Attendee 2: Not a clue – you?

Attendee 1: Absolutely not.  Maybe they weren’t in Corporate that long?

Attendee 2: I dunno; sure sounded like we all were best buddies for ages.

Attendee 1: I must be getting old – I forget names sometimes, but I have never forgotten a face this badly before in my entire life!

Attendee 2: I’m right there with you; maybe we should just shove dignity aside and ask –

Attendee 1: (Looks up suddenly) Hiiiiiiii!

Attendee 3: (Has returned with lots of plates full of pastries and a cup of coffee balanced on top, and sits between Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Hey there!  Thanks for saving me a seat, ahahaha!  (Sits and starts digging into the food) Sooooo – how’s it been since I left our alma mater, hm?

Attendee 2: It’s been… (Looks at Attendee 1, who is worrying a pulled thread on the tablecloth) the usual.

Attendee 3: HA!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look at each other in confusion) Anyway, how’s our favorite VP doing, at least?

Attendee 1: Which… one…?

Attendee 3: Heh-heh, you know!  (Slyly nudges Attendee 1 with an elbow, making the latter’s arm slip off the table where it was leaning; to Attendee 2 while jerking a thumb at Attendee 1) Always a kidder, this one!

Attendee 2: (Staring at Attendee 1 who is trying to regain balance on the chair) Yeah, always.  (Leans over a bit to unobtrusively check Attendee 3’s name tag on lanyard but it is flipped over)

Attendee 3: (Finishing up another plate) Well, I just gotta say, I’m glad I got outta there when I did, but I miss most of the people there, especially you two!  (Reaches out to rub Attendee 1’s and Attendee 2’s shoulders on either side) We had some great times in the workplace trenches there, right?

Attendee 1: (Smoothly ducks away from Attendee 3’s hand) I’m sure someone did.

Attendee 3: (Claps hands in glee) Ooh, I know!  We should all meet up for dinner sometime!

Attendee 2: Ah….

Attendee 1: Well….

Attendee 3: Yes!  That way, we can reminisce for hours!

Attendee 2: Actually –

Event Coordinator: (Standing near a doorway) All right everybody, start heading over to the conference room and take a seat, we are starting in – (Checks watch) four minutes, and not a second later!

Attendee 3: (Downs the rest of the coffee) Whelp, guess that’s our cue!  I’ll grab us some seats in the way back of the room, wink-wink!  (Winks exaggeratedly at both while grabbing the bag, plates, and cup) Oh, do you want me to take your stuff?  (Gestures at the uneaten cereal and bagel)

Attendee 2: No thanks, we’ll work on them inside.

Attendee 3: Always the multitasker, eh?

Attendee 2: …You know me.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you in a bit!  (Trots away)

Attendee 1: (As everyone gets up and starts heading to the conference room) I don’t think I can take eight hours of this.  Plus lunch!

Attendee 2: Well, maybe one of us’ll remember the name before then, and mystery solved.  Doesn’t seem like someone who’d be that forgettable, right?

LUNCH

(As the attendees gather back in the dining area)

Attendee 3: Well, I certainly learned a lot today; how about you two?

Attendee 2: (Eyes glazed over) Hm?  Oh, yeah, a little.

Attendee 2: I learned that an engaging speaker makes all the difference.

Attendee 3: (Cackles wildly) Always with the jokes!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 give each other dazed looks) Well, I’m gonna go check in downstairs and hope the room is ready so I can drop this load off – (Pats the overnight bag) you mind grabbing us a table and I’ll meet you when I get back?

Attendee 2: Sure.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you soon, buds!  (Zips out of the room)

Attendee 2: (As both start looking for empty seats at a table) So, any luck with the memory game?

Attendee 1: Not a jot.  For a second around Hour 2 I thought maybe I had it, but then realized I was thinking of my cousin so, no.

Attendee 2: Drat.

(Event Coordinator and Attendee 4 walk up to them)

Event Coordinator: Hi there, conference veterans!

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: (In the same familiar, tired tone) Heeeeeey.

Event Coordinator: So, seems to be another good conference this year, right?

Attendee 1: Yeah, I like it better than the one last year.

Attendee 4: Right, last year we had the breakout sessions and had to make all those posters and –

Attendee 1: (Shudders) Please: I had successfully blocked that from my mind until now.

Event Coordinator: (To Attendee 2) You still finding these things boring as anything?

Attendee 2: Well, I wouldn’t say “boring”, just not really applicable to my job and it’s difficult to keep my eyes open at a certain point, that’s all.

Event Coordinator: I’d agree, except this year I’m the one who has to make sure the speakers’ slides are all displaying and the microphone’s working and everyone’s where they’re supposed to be, sooooo... yeah.  Gotta keep alert on this one.

Attendee 2: I hear ya.

Event Coordinator: Well, enough of that.  On a happier note, I see you two’ve been having a good time with our former coworker today.

(Attendee 4 nods in agreement; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare back blankly)

Attendee 2: …I’m sorry, you’re former coworker?

Event Coordinator: Oh yeah, that one worked in our organization’s Corporate office about three or four years ago; moved on to another company, but stayed in the field and still shows up at these events every so often.  Surprised they didn’t come over and say “Hi”, but we’ve been a bit busy today so it’s understandable.

Attendee 1: So, are you saying that they used to work at your organization, and now is who-knows-where?

Event Coordinator: Sounds like it. 

Attendee 4: I thought maybe they were working at your organization, since you all seemed so, well, chummy.

Attendee 2: (Staring into the middle distance) No; no I’m almost positive we’ve never met before today….

Event Coordinator: Well, one of the goals of these conferences is professional networking anyway, so making new contacts is always a good thing.  (Looks toward the front of the room where an attendee is waving wildly for the former’s attention) Oh, I think I’m being told we have to start the business meeting soon.  (Turns back to Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Nice seeing you two again – enjoy lunch! 

Attendee 4: And tell your new friend we said “Hi!”

(Laughs while both walk over to the main table where lots of papers and awards await; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare at nothing for a few moments)

Attendee 1: Well, this is awkward.

Attendee 2: Yep.

Attendee 1: Should we say something about it?

Attendee 2: Nope.

Attendee 1: Why not?

Attendee 2: Because there is no recovery from this kind of embarrassment.

Story 588: Better Not Forget About Mother’s Day

 SATURDAY, MAY 3

            (In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is folding laundry on the living room couch while listening to the radio with the volume turned up to the max)

Sibling 2: (Singing along, also to the max) <AND IIIIIIIIIIIII/ DON’T KNOOOOOOOWWWWW THE WOOOOOOORDS/ OOOOOOOOOOH, I – > (Is interrupted by knocking on the front door and turns briefly to the open windows) Oops.  (Turns off the radio and checks the door’s peephole) Oh good.  (Unlocks and opens the door) Hey there – thought you were one of my neighbors telling me to shut up.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, get that a lot?

Sibling 2: Very funny; come on in.

(Sibling 1 enters but stays in the entranceway as Sibling 2 closes the door)

Sibling1: Thanks.  Sorry to drop in like this –

Sibling 2: Not at all; want something to drink?

Sibling 1: No thanks, I’ll make this quick.  (Shoves hands into pants pockets and starts rocking back and forth in muted excitement) Soooo, I know this is last-minute, but I just saw a billboard on the highway this morning saying that ----- is having a surprise concert in town, as in actually here, next Sunday!  Out of nowhere!

Sibling 2: Really, here?  Why?

Sibling 1: Who knows?!  So, if I somehow can get tickets, you wanna go?

Sibling 2: To a concert next Sunday.

Sibling 1: (Nods and starts lightly bouncing in glee) Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Sibling 2: Next Sunday, as in the second Sunday of May.

Sibling 1: (Nods some more) Yep, all day!

Sibling 2: (Crosses arms) Yeah, do you know what happens on the second Sunday of May in most countries in the world?  Including this one?

Sibling 1: (Stops bouncing and twitches jaw in thought) The… Sun also rises?

Sibling 2: (Suddenly uncrosses arms) It’s Mother’s Day, you dope!

Sibling 1: (Gasps and briefly brings hands to face) Ohhhhh nooooo!  That’s this year?!

Sibling 2: It’s every year!

Sibling 1: Oh right.

Sibling 2: And lemme guess: you forgot to make a reservation for brunch like you said you would after Mother’s Day last year.

Sibling 1: That was last year?!  I thought that was two years ago and you were supposed to make the reservation this year!

Sibling 2: (Looking confused) No… no, I did it last year…?  (Looks off into the distance of memory)

Sibling 1: (Looks off into the same distance) Or were Mom and Dad on that cruise last year and it was actually three… no, four…?

Sibling 2: Five…?

(They suddenly look at each other in horror)

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH – !

FIVE MINUTES LATER

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are sitting on the living room couch next to piles of folded laundry, each holding a glass of water and staring at nothing)

Sibling 2: Well, now that that existential crisis has been put on hold for the moment: what are we going to do about Mother’s Day?

Sibling 1: I guess I can try making a reservation… somewhere, but I think everywhere around here’s been booked for that day since last Thanksgiving.

Sibling 2: Maybe we can try, I dunno, making something instead?

Sibling 1: What, you mean, cooking something?

Sibling 2: Yeah.

Sibling 1: You?!

Sibling 2: Hey!

Sibling 1: Sorry, I mean: Me?!

Sibling 2: Eh, you’re right: we’re both hopeless in that department.  You’re every food delivery service’s best customer, and my gourmet limit is pasta, and maybe brownies if I’m paying attention.

Sibling 1: I always like your brownies.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

Sibling 1: At least you have some variety – best I can do is whip up a sandwich.  (Turns to Sibling 2) Hey, you think she’d like one of those?

Sibling 2: (Stares back in mild disbelief) I think we can do a tad better than that.

Sibling 1: Maybe, but you know Mom, she’ll be happy with whatever we get her, right?  And actually mean it, `cause it’s about the company and not the gift, right?!  Right??!!

Sibling 2: I know, but deep down, she’d be ever so slightly disappointed, not in the gift itself but in its representation of how we turned out in life, and she’d wonder “Where did I go wrong?”

Sibling 1: I often wonder that myself.

Sibling 2: (Stands decisively) OK, I’ve got it: pasta for dinner, brownies for dessert with bakery cookies as back-up in case I burn them, and you – (Points to Sibling 1) get some nice flowers that she can plant in the backyard garden.  Sound good?

Sibling 1: (Also stands) Sounds great!  Cheers!  (They tap glasses and start drinking, then stop with disgusted looks on their faces)

Sibling 2: (Spits water back into the glass) Yeah, I forgot they’re flushing the lines around here again.

Sibling 1: (Also spits the water back into the glass and hands that over to Sibling 2) Still tastes better than when they do it by me.

SUNDAY, MAY 11 – MOTHER’S DAY

(At Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s parents’ house, all four are seated around the dining room table)

Mom: (Finishing pasta with a bright smile) Well, I have to say, this is probably the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had.

Sibling 1: Aw, Ma, you say that every year!

Mom: And I mean it every year!

Dad: Heh-heh, except for that one year we all got food poisoning `cause I’d picked up bad lettuce for the salad; remember that one?

Mom: (Eyes blazing) WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT YEAR!  (Dad freezes; Mom resets and smiles again) Now, I know we just finished dinner, but I’m really looking forward to what you brought for dessert!

Sibling 2: Thanks!  We can have that after we all clean up in here, if you want to plant those flowers out back now.

Mom: Oh no, honey, they need to stay in the vase.  (Points to a vase of flowers in the center of the table)

Sibling 2: (Through clenched teeth at Sibling 1) But they were supposed to be ones that could be planted outside.

Sibling 1: (Slurping up spaghetti remnants) Huh?

Mom: Well, these actually are indoor plants, and they go very nicely with the dining room color scheme.

Sibling 2: (Still at Sibling 1) Again, you had one job to do!  Can’t you tell the difference between outdoor plants and indoor ones?!

Sibling 1: Can you?!

Sibling 2: That’s not the point!

Sibling 1: Hey, you’re lucky I was even able to get these – I went to about 10 places before I found one that actually sold flowers!

Sibling 2: They’re in every supermarket around here, and you couldn’t go five feet this week without falling over a pop-up garden stand!  How have you survived in life this long?!

Sibling 1: Judgey hypocrite!

Sibling 2: Helpless twit!

(They partially stand to lunge across the table and start shoving each other by the shoulders, yelling incomprehensibly)

Dad: (Buttering up a roll and addressing Mom under Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s arms as the battle rages) You know, it’s always nice when we get together as a family, isn’t it?

Mom: (Sipping wine as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drag each other to the living room to wrestle on the floor) Yes, but sometimes I wonder: where did I go wrong?

Story 587: Who Knew Hiking Up a Mountain Would Be So Difficult?

            (On the phone)

Friend 2: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 1: Oh, no much – I’m actually off from work on Monday instead of my usual Wednesday, so I figured now’d be a good time to try hiking that mountain you lorded over me about climbing a few years back, what’s-it’s-name, Mount Tabbouleh?  Pammy Peak?

Friend 2: Wait, do you mean Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: Yeah, that one.  Figured I should give it a shot since, you know, I’ve hiked everywhere else around here, and since you could do it, well, it mustn’t be that hard, then.

Friend 2: First of all: I didn’t lord it over you that I hiked up it; I just let you know when I did it, and your insecurity did the rest.

Friend 1: Fair enough.

Friend 2: And secondly: are you sure about this?

Friend 1: I beg your pardon?

Friend 2: This isn’t exactly a stroll around the park, you know – it is an actual mountain.  Elevation over 1500 feet and all.

Friend 1: Well, I have done my share of the difficult trails on elevated terrains; I think I can handle this glorified hill.  Especially since no ropes or crampons or oxygen’s involved: any serious hiker should be able to do it, no sweat.

Friend 2: Yes, any serious hiker.  That’s not you.  And it certainly is a sweat, lots of it.

Friend 1: Rude.  You know how many hours I’ve logged walking through this county, and the next one over?  And some of those trails go up super high, and have big rocks and tree roots sticking out and everything.

Friend 2: You never learn, do you?  Hiking up – and down! – a mountain is completely different from what the local county parks dish up: don’t you remember your Grand Canyon debacle?!

Friend 1: I’ll ask you not to violate the friend code and fling my failures in my face, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: I’m only mentioning it because you had the same cavalier attitude then about how difficult it was going to be, and it’s like you learned nothing from almost being helicoptered out of it!

Friend 1: Don’t exaggerate: I was able to crawl back up the trail long before helicopter rescue was even entertained as a possibility.

Friend 2: Only with my help, you were!  That’s it: I’m going with you.

Friend 1: I don’t need a babysitter, Mom.

Friend 2: You do need supervision, though.  I’m not gonna wait around to hear on the evening news that you got from the summit back to Route 80 the direct way, if you know I mean.

Friend 1: Re-lax: the Delaware River’s right there, I’d be fine.

Friend 2: That’s not funny!

Friend 1: I didn’t mean it to be.  I am a grown adult who is mostly fit, and I do not need someone holding my hand as I ascend Mount Everest!

Friend 2: Tammany!

Friend 1: See, your smothering is making me loopy!

Friend 2: And I wouldn’t be able to hold your hand anyway since you’d need it when climbing up the sections with huge, steep boulders!

Friend 1: …Sorry, the what in the where now?

Friend 2: Exactly!  This is just like the Grand Canyon: you don’t know what you’re dealing with, you’re not prepared, and you expect everything to work out fine and then are shocked when you get stuck and need help, EVERY TIME!

Friend 1: If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were accusing me of being immature.

Friend 2: Hey, you said it!

Friend 1: If you’re through with the insults, I’ll call you after I’ve successfully ascended the peak, with a triumphant photo to prove it.

Friend 2: After the other hikers carried you up there, you mean?

Friend 1: Rude again.

Friend 2: All right, I’m sorry, but your obliviousness to everything in life drives me bonkers sometimes.  Please wait until next Saturday, and I’ll climb up there with you.  You can think of me as a tour guide who even brings along snacks.

Friend 1: …Snacks, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!  And I can show you all the good spots where there are great views.

Friend 1: Well….

Friend 2: Pleeeease?  I can’t believe I’m begging you to let me save you from yourself.

Friend 1: All right, fine, if you want the company that badly –

Friend 2: Great!  Come over to my house and I’ll drive us; bring a backpack with water and lunch for later, dress in layers, and get to me by 7 because those parking lots fill up fast, bye!  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: …Wait, 7 A.M.?!

SATURDAY

(At the beginning of Mount Tammany’s Red Dot Trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 arrive on foot with their gear after crossing under Route 80)

Friend 1: I am baffled that we have to walk to start our walk.  You weren’t kidding about those parking lots – do that many tourists want to spend their weekend doing extreme walking?!

Friend 2: A lot do, but there’s also kayaking, and fishing, and camping, and other stuff around here – but I think those full lots were for the mountain, and a bunch of people are from out-of-state too since we’re right by the border and an interstate road.

Friend 1: Well, I’m not out-of-breath yet, so let’s get this show on the road.  (Sees steep steps up the side of the mountain) Wait, this is the start?!

Friend 2: Yep!  Let the ascent begin!  (Starts climbing the steps)

Friend 1: (Visually follows the steps up, very high very fast) OK… OK… this is the warm-up, you can do this.  (Stars climbing the steps; after a minute, looks off to the right and down) Hm, who left their toy cars down there…?  Oh.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 have tied their long-sleeve shirts around their waists so that their short-sleeve shirts can take over)

Friend 2: (Pointing to a wall of boulders) Here we go!  The steep boulders I mentioned where you have to use your hands to climb up!

Friend 1: (Panting, stops to stare at the wall) This has to be a mistake – I think we lost the regular foot trail somewhere in the woods back there.

Friend 2: Nope!  This is the trail!  (Points to three red dots painted on the rocks showing that this is, indeed, the trail)

Friend 1: Ummm….

Friend 2: Want to rest a bit first?

Friend 1: No….

Friend 2: Want to turn back?

Friend 1: No!  Just give me a second…. (A family passes them and scrambles up the rocks without hesitation, adults and young kids alike; Friend 2 raises eyebrows meaningfully at Friend 1) Not a word.  (Begins gingerly scrambling up the rocks, joined by Friend 2)

Friend 2: (As they are part-way up) Not so bad, huh?

Friend 1: (Almost horizontal on hands and feet) I feel like a goat!

(A runner approaching from the opposite direction scrambles down the rocks, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: Morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop) morning – (Hop)

Friend 2: (Pausing on the climb to wave) Morning!

Friend 1: (Not pausing) Eugh.

(Both reach the top of the boulder section of the trail and pull over to take a water break)

Friend 2: Congratulations!  You cleared the first real hurdle.

Friend 1: (Almost spit-takes) “First”?!

Friend 2: Oh yeah, there’s a bigger set coming up, and the summit itself, and then the way down has –

Friend 1: Never mind: I’ll find out as we get there.

Friend 2: You’re doing great so far, you know: haven’t fallen off the mountain once.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I’m shamed by our compatriots on the trail.

Friend 2: Don’t be: they’ve probably all done this or something like it before, or are kids who aren’t afraid of anything, but they’ll learn.  (Stares into the distance before taking another gulp of water) Oh, they’ll learn….

Friend 1: I guess, but did you see that one who’s doing all this climbing and lugging around a camera the entire way?  And I don’t mean a dinky amateur camera, I mean a huge video camera with a giant microphone attached, the works.

Friend 2: Yeah – probably somebody filming for their channel.  Normally I’d be annoyed at the intrusiveness, but instead I’m just impressed at the physical coordination needed to pull it off.

Friend 1: (Nods and drinks more water) Same.

FORTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the summit of Mount Tammany in New Jersey, which has a view of Mount Minsi across the Delaware River in Pennsylvania, and a ledge of rocks leading down slightly where hikers are scattered throughout, resting and admiring the scenery)

Friend 1: (Pauses in collapsing to stare at the breathtaking view) Wow….

Friend 2: (Enthusiastically rubs Friend 1’s shoulder) Yay, you made it!  How does it feel?

Friend 1: (Swaying) Intimidating… exhausting….

Friend 2: Here, sit down.  (Guides Friend 1 to a nearby boulder to sit) I’m gonna go down there to get some pictures – wanna come by in a few minutes?

Friend 1: (Shakes head breathlessly) No thanks: I’ve never had vertigo before, but I do now.

Friend 2: All right; I’ll be back in a bit!  (Hops from boulder to boulder down the ledge)

Friend 1: Have at it.  (Drinks more water, then looks to the left and sees an equally exhausted hiker lying across a boulder) First time too?  (Hiker rolls eyes and nods, gasping) Right there with you.  (After a few minutes, Friend 1 stands and starts taking in a more panoramic view of the other mountain, the river, and forests on both sides of the Delaware Water Gap) So I guess this is what all the fuss is about, huh.

(The hiker with the camera suddenly bursts onto the summit, walking backwards while filming self)

Content Creator: Hey folks!  We finally made it to the top of Mount Tammany, and whoo-whee, what a ride it’s been, am-I-right?!  (Swings the camera around to capture the stunning scenery) But I tell ya, this view is all worth it!  Who cares about all the cuts, bruises, getting lost, and falling on the way when this is what awaits you, am-I-right?!  (Spots Friend 1 and hops across boulders to focus the camera on both of them) Hey there!  This your first time climbing Mount Tammany?

Friend 1: (Staring frozen into the camera) Uhhhhh....

Content Creator: Don’t be shy – tell my viewers how absolutely amazing this entire experience has been for your soul!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Content Creator: I mean, don’t you feel completely transformed and revitalized by the very act of climbing an actual mountain and getting to the tip-top just to fully understand how totally and utterly insignificant you are on this planet, let alone the universe?!

Friend 1: Uhhhhh….

Friend 2: (Hopping up boulders back to Friend 1, waving arms at Content Creator) Hey, buzz off!

Content Creator: (Hops to another boulder at Friend 2’s rapid approach, but winds up slipping off the edge and sliding on the ground down, down, down; turns the camera back to self on the way) Well folks, we’re heading back down the mountain now a little ahead of schedule, so we’ll meet up again at the bottom – ooh, make sure to hit “Like” and “Subscribe”…. (Fades away)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You OK?

Friend 1: (Finally unfrozen) No, actually I’m very upset!

Friend 2: I know, that one was way out of line –

Friend 1: No, I mean, my one chance for Internet fame and I blew it!

Friend 2: You’re something else, you know that?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Right – want to head back down now?

Friend 1: Sure: we already did the worst part, should be smooth sailing going downhill, right?

Friend 2: (As they start on the Blue Dot Trail going down the mountain) Well….

Friend 1: What?

Friend 2: (Holds out a granola bar) Here, have a snack.

Friend 1: Ooh, crunchy.  (Consumes the bar in two bites as they both continue their hike)

ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate around rocks and tree roots as they continue to hike down the mountain)

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree while stepping down rocks) I thought we were done with the boulders!

Friend 2: (Up ahead) We are – I think this used to be a riverbed.  You know, a lot of this was left over when a glacier passed through.

Friend 1: (Now dangling from a low tree branch) Almost the entire Earth has had glaciers passing through!  That’s no excuse!

(Runner approaches from the opposite direction, greeting everyone on the way while passing by)

Runner: (While passing Friend 1) Afternoon.

Friend 1: (Still dangling from the branch) Oh, shut up!  (Runner stops and frowns) Sorry – clearly, I’m not at my best at the moment.

Runner: (Nods) Got it.  (Continues jogging lightly up the rocks)

Friend 2: (Walking back toward Friend 1) Need some help?

Friend 1: (Starts swinging) Nope – (Lets go of the branch and lands heavily on the ground, barely missing the rocks)

Friend 2: (Runs over) You OK?!  Did you break anything?!

Friend 1: (Stands quickly) Surprisingly, no.  Bet that would’ve been a real disaster, huh?

Friend 2: For you, maybe: I’d be calling park rangers or paramedics to get you out of here, `cause I certainly wouldn’t be carrying you the rest of the way.

Friend 1: (As they both start walking again) I know.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 reach the end of the final trail, which is at the same parking lot where they started)

Friend 1: (Raises arms in triumph) At last!  Route 80!

Friend 2: You seem more excited about that than the lovely waterfall and rapids we passed not too long ago.

Friend 1: Oh, well, those were beautiful and all, but this!  (Gestures to the interstate traffic) This means that I made it!  To the end, without any accidents, and I can finally say that I climbed –

Friend 2: Hiked.

Friend 1: Hiked a mountain!  (Briefly rests a hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Thank you for your help and guidance, and for believing in me.

Friend 2: Honestly, I didn’t think you’d make it past the first set of boulders and we’d turn around then, so everything after that’s been a pleasant surprise.

Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2’s shoulder and nods) You’re welcome.  (Turns back to face Route 80 and sighs in relief and contentment)

Friend 2: So, we’ll head back to the car, get our lunches, and eat at one of the picnic tables before starting the hour-and-a-half drive back home, yeah?

Friend 1: Sounds like a great way to bask in our victory over the mountain.  (Turns back to Mount Tammany and salutes) You were a worthy foe, but once again our puny species has defeated you!

Friend 2: The mountain’ll be here long after we’re dead.

Friend 1: True, but my point’s been made nonetheless.  (Takes a step then gasps, eyes wide and fists clenched)

Friend 2: (Taking out the water bottle to finish it off) What’s up?

Friend 1: (Through gritted teeth) I don’t believe it – after all those boulders, I don’t believe it –

Friend 2: (Sighs) What is it this time you don’t believe?

Friend 1: That I hiked an entire mountain, and just now stepped on a pebble and sprained my ankle!

Story 586: Etiquette Responses: Multiple Choice Edition

           “So, I got laid off from work this week.”

Select From The Responses Below:

A.    “Well, that stinks.”

B.     “Their loss – you can do so much better.”

C.    “Didn’t you hate that job anyway?”

D.    “Oh.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, things were getting really bad, what with the hostile takeover and the vanishing clients and the vanishing money and everyone turning on everyone else and – ” [Five minutes later] “and you agree I’m right, right?”

A.    Nod

B.     “Mm-hm.”

C.    “Yeah.”

D.    All of the above

[Nodding] “Mm-hm, yeah.”

“Right!  I knew you’d understand.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Here, let me introduce you to my new better half!”

A.    “Oh, you actually exist?”

B.     “Wow, you look a lot like the last better half.”

C.    “Run now, before it’s too late!”

D.    “Hello.”

“Hello.”

“Amazing!  I bet you two are going to get along famously!”

“I’m never quite sure what that means.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “All right, bestie, wanna come with me to my aunt-in-law’s cousin’s toddler’s dance recital?  It’ll be over two hours long, and no one’s allowed to leave before the end.”

A.    “Not really.”

B.     “Do I have to?”

C.    “Must you inflict your family on me?”

D.    “Pass.”

E.     “Let me get back to you on that.”

F.     “I’m allergic to dance.”

G.    “Oh.”

“Do I have to?”

“What?”

“I mean: Oh.”

“What?”

“I mean: Let me get back to you on that.”

“So that means ‘No’, right?”

“…Pass.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “I’ve never been this upset in my entire life!  Look at my hands: I am literally trembling with rage!  I don’t know – what would you do in my situation?”

A.    “Get revenge.”

B.     “Don’t care.”

C.    “It could always be worse.”

D.    Say nothing and nod

[Nods]

“It’s all right, you can be honest with me: there are no wrong answers here.”

JEOPARDY!!!!  JEOPARDY!!!!

A.    SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

B.     SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

C.    SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

D.    SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

[Nods]

“I know, I’m probably being overdramatic, but the whole thing really grinds my gears, know-what-I-mean?”

A.    NOD!

B.     NOD!

C.    NOD!

D.    NOD!

[Nods]

“Exactly!  You’re such a great listener.”

Story 585: We Are Not Cancelling on Account of Rain

             (At a Little League baseball game, torrents of rain fall on the players, coaches, and umpire on the field, and the family members on the bleachers; players also slip and slide every time they run, throw, swing, hit, and miss)

Coach: (Sloshing over to Umpire standing behind the sinking catcher) Listen, I think we should call the game.

Umpire: (Chewing gum while never taking eyes off the field) What for?

Coach: …The monsoon we’re in the middle of!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, I’ve seen monsoons; this is nothing.  (To one of the players in the outfield) Number 7: stop fooling around and maintain your position!

Player #7: (Unsteadily getting up from the ground) I’m trying!  (Slips and falls again)

Coach: You see!  We’re gonna start getting sprained ankles and knees and who-knows-what-else any second now, I just know it!

Umpire: (Shrugs) Eh, these kids are all wimps – a mini- ordeal like this is just the thing to toughen `em up.  (A player slides to first base and knocks over the player stationed there, another coach, and a hovering parent like bowling pins) Safe!  That’s what I’m talkin’ about!  (Claps hands twice in approval)

Coach: (Slip-running to first base while yelling at the rest of the field) That’s it!  We’re done!  Everybody pack up and go home!

(Everyone slip-runs to pack up their gear and swim to the cars in the parking lot)

Umpire: (To Coach) Hey!  You don’t have the authority to make that decision!

Coach (Yelling back from the driver’s seat of a departing car) It’s a unanimous decision!  (Hauls away through a newly formed river that has taken over the exit)

Umpire: (Still standing in position in the now-empty field) Weaklings, the whole lot of them.  If they can’t handle a little precipitation during a meaningless event, what’re they gonna do when a real challenge faces them, huh?  (Is drenched by a sudden deluge sloughing off a nearby overhang) Hm….

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(On Easter Sunday, a family of four dressed in their best emerges from their house and into the pouring rain)

Parent 1: (Shielding a camera while running to the front lawn) OK, everybody go stand in front of the tree!  (Parent 2, Child 1, and Child 2 slosh through the muddy lawn and stand in front of a tree) Now, smile!  (Parent 1 holds up the camera as the other three grimace)  I said “Smile”!

Parent 2: (Shouting though the downpour) Maybe we should do this inside!

Parent 1: No way; our Easter photos are always outside to show off the wonders of spring and the rebirth of Nature!

Parent 2: You can’t see any of that right now!  The animals are all hiding in their nests, and my flowers have all drowned!

Parent 1: Hey, outdoors is outdoors!  Now quit yapping and show me those pearly whites!  (The other family members grimace wider as Parent 1 takes the picture) Well, I suppose that’ll have to do.  Now, off to Church to celebrate the day, dangit!

Parent 2: (To Child 1 and Child 2) Kids, go inside and change into your playclothes and raingear.

Child 1 and Child 2: Yay!  (They splash back into the house)

Parent 2: (To Parent 1) I, too, will be changing into waterproof and casual clothing.

Parent 1: (Wringing out sleeves) But – but – spring!  Easter!  Rebirth!  April showers to bring out May flowers!

Parent 2: I DON’T CARE!

Parent 1: Well that certainly isn’t in the spirit of the season.

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

(On a street, two townsfolk sit on a curb, wearing raincoats and getting drenched)

Townsfolk 1: You know what bums me out?

Townsfolk 2: What?

Townsfolk 1: That here we are, stuck in a perpetual shower for the past month, inundated with more water than we could ever use, rivers rising, and towns flooding, and only a few thousand miles away, fires are destroying everything everywhere and could be stopped by this very never-ending rain that seems to like it here and we didn’t really need that much of.

Townsfolk 2: I think that’s what’s called “irony”.

Townsfolk 1: Or just “unfair”.

Townsfolk 2: (Looks down the street) Whelp, here they come.

(Both stand and step back onto the sidewalk to join the rest of the crowd as a parade, including a marching band and motorized floats, blusters around the corner and on the street past them; the participants attempt to march and play against the steady downpour of water and wind up splashing all the spectators)

Townsfolk 1: (Sputtering out water after a float drives by) You think anything’ll grow after the rain finally stops?

Townsfolk 2: (Gives up trying to brush off the new water and allows it to mingle with the old water) “Grow”?

Townsfolk 1: You know: flowers, plants, trees, crops – you think any of it’ll grow after all this?

Townsfolk 2: I think the mold will.

Story 584: Waiting for the Epic Office Romance to Begin

            (In an office hallway, Manager and Employee 1 walk toward a cubicle)

Manager: (As both stop in front of the cubicle entrance) So, I think that covers everything for orientation – any questions for me before you officially start your first day here?

Employee 1: No, I’m all set and ready to begin the next big chapter in my life where I finally find meaning and purpose through serving others and living up to my fullest potential.

Manager: Well, we just sell office supplies here, so don’t get your hopes up too much, heh-heh-heh, [Sigh].  (Appears momentarily deflated)

Employee 1: Oh, the type of work doesn’t matter: as long as I excel in all things and am surrounded by colleagues who are interesting, funny, and/or emotionally deep, I’m sure to find my soulmate in no time.

Manager: …I’m sorry, what?

Employee 1: You know: throw yourself into the job so you can be the best that you can be, all so that when the time is right you are ready and worthy of passionate love from one of your compatible coworkers, and vice versa.  They’re the only people in your life who ever really understand you.

Manager: Um, OK; it’s not exactly against H.R. policy as long as the individuals are in the same pay grade, but interoffice romances aren’t exactly encouraged around here.

Employee 1: Intra.

Manager: What?

Employee 1: Never mind – why not?

Manager: Because they’re been found to be very… disruptive.  And obnoxious.

Employee 1: Well, no need to fear on that account: I’m very discreet.

Manager: That’s not the – look, just do your job, and socialize with your colleagues only at work-sanctioned events, and everything should be fine, m’kay?

Employee 1: Is that an order?

Manager: It’s a strong recommendation.

Employee 1: I’ll take it under advisement, then.

Manager: Please do.  (Gestures to the workspace inside the cubicle) Your desk.  Decorate the space however you wish, as long as it’s rated G.

Employee 1: (Walks into the cubicle and looks around the blank walls, nodding satisfactorily) An empty canvas for my inner self to shine through.

Manager: Swell; I’ve got a meeting – (Checks watch) two minutes ago, but message me if you need anything otherwise.  (Dashes away)

Employee 1: (Sits on a rolling chair and spins slowly, taking in the ambience) Let the great adventure begin….

SIX MONTHS LATER

(In a conference room)

Employee 2: (Standing in front of a screen that shows a presentation and advancing to the last slide) And that’s the end – any questions?  (Employee 3 raises a hand) Yes?

Employee 3: (As Employee 4 yanks the other’s hand down) No.

Employee 2: No?

Employee 4: (Glaring at Employee 3) No!

Employee 2: Ohhh-kaay… anyone else?  (No one moves) All right: if you think of anything later, you know where to find me.  (No one moves) Bye.  (Most of the other attendees quickly leave as Employee 2 starts cleaning up; while shutting down the computer, looks up briefly and sees Employee 1 is now standing in front of the station) Oh, hey; I thought everybody had left.

Employee 1: They did.

Employee 2: (Still working on the computer) Heh, yeah.  (Finishes there, then looks again at Employee 1) So, you have any questions about the presentation you didn’t want to ask in front of the others?

Employee 1: No.

Employee 2: (Awkward silence) OK, then what can I help you with?

Employee 1: That was a very good presentation you did today.

Employee 2: Aw, thanks.

Employee 1: I think you’re a very smart person who will go far in life.

Employee 2: Well, that’s a nice thing to say.

Employee 1: You’re also witty, charming, and fun to be with.

Employee 2: …Thanks?

Employee 1: You also are one of the few people on this planet who truly gets me.  I can tell you anything, and you understand completely.  We are like two pieces who finally realize that they fit together perfectly in the jigsaw puzzle of life.

Employee 2: OK, I gotta stop you right there: are you asking me out on a date or something?

Employee 1: …I was building up to that, yes.

Employee 2: You know I’m married!

Employee 1: But you’ve never really felt true love until you finally met me, right?

Employee 2: No!  I am very much in love with my spouse, both then and now!

Employee 1: So the vows of fidelity weren’t sworn in haste because you’d given up on finding your predestined mate, and you don’t regret having sacrificed your one chance of happiness once I entered your life at last?

Employee 2: (Considers the wording for a few moments) Yessss?  Yes.  I don’t regret anything.  Except this conversation.

Employee 1: (Nods) I understand.  (Walks to the conference room door, then turns back) I suppose this now means you’d rather I wasn’t your partner in the office tennis match this Saturday?

Employee 2: Most definitely so; I’ll take care of switching our teams around.

Employee 1: Very well.  Good-bye forever – you have no idea of the grand romance you’re depriving yourself.

Employee 2: I’ll manage my disappointment somehow.  (Employee 1 leaves) Now where on Earth did that all come from?!  I think we’ve spoken twice in all the time I’ve been here!

SIX MONTHS LATER

(Employee 5 is working in a cubicle)

Employee 5: (Clicking around multiple areas on the computer screen) Copy… and… paste… and… send.  Another report down; 639 to go.

Employee 1: (Sticks in head at the cubicle entrance) Hi, can I talk to you for a minute?

Employee 5: (Turns around in chair) Um, sure, yeah.  (Employee 1 enters) What’s up?

Employee 1: Well, I’ve been in this office for a year now, and not gotten very far.

Employee 5: Oh, that’s too bad: it seems like you’ve been doing OK with all the projects they give you and everything.

Employee 1: (Pacing dramatically within the confined space) Yes-yes, all that’s been fine, and my career development has been phenomenal, but the picture’s incomplete without the love of my life who’s supposed to be here, but so far isn’t.

Employee 5: …Sorry?

Employee 1: (Stops pacing and faces Employee 5) Basically, I stopped by today because I’ve gone through the entire department and still no takers, so that leaves you as a last resort.

Employee 5: …Huh?

Employee 1: Perhaps it was always meant to be this way: casual acquaintances who are barely aware of each other’s existence, suddenly thrown together by happenstance and realize they complement each perfectly, and now will have the lifetime of bliss they so richly deserve and others will envy, `till death do they part.

Employee 5: …What?

Employee 1: I personally prefer the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers route, but hey, I’ll take whatever the universe decides to graciously bestow upon me at this point.

Employee 5: …Eh?

Employee 1: I know, this is all so sudden for both of us, but when true love finally shows up and slaps you in the face, you really should start paying attention, am-I-right?

Employee 5: …Who?

(Manager appears in the cubicle entrance)

Manager: (To Employee 5) Are you OK?

Employee 5: …Yes?

Manager: Good.  (Points to Employee 1) You.  In my office.  Now.  (Leaves)

Employee 1: (To Employee 5) Perhaps Fate will allow us to continue this conversation later, but I doubt it.  Farewell, The One Who Got Away.  (Strides out purposefully)

Employee 5: …Where?

(In Manager’s office several minutes later, Employee 1 enters)

Manager: Close the door.

Employee 1: (On closing the door, sees Manager seated at the desk with H.R. Representative seated nearby) Ah.

Manager: Yes, “Ah”: sit.  (Points to the chair in front of the desk; Employee 1 sits calmly) You know what this is about?

Employee 1: My eternal quest for true love that is the right of all human beings?

H.R. Representative: Yes, we’ve received a number of harassment complaints about you regarding that “quest”.

Employee 1: Well, that’s a little harsh: I only approached each person once.

Manager: Yes, the only good parts about this debacle is that you backed off right away every time, and you kept your hands to yourself – otherwise, you’ve created a very disruptive working environment over the past few months, which is exactly what I said would wind up happening if you started this nonsense!

Employee 1: But Your Honor, how else am I going to find my life companion except in an environment of shared loathing such as work?

Manager: I’m not a judge!

Employee 1: Oh.  Gotta say, certainly acting like one right now.

Manager: Bottom line is: go find your soulmate at a bar or an online dating site or in the supermarket like everybody else; apologize to everyone in this office who you’ve bothered with this garbage; and keep everything you say and do here strictly work-related going forward; or else you’re through with this company, understand?!

H.R. Representative: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you.

Manager: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you!

Employee 1: Very well.  I will begin my apology tour at once.  (To H.R. Representative) Please send me the courses and I will complete them promptly.

H.R. Representative: Excellent.  (Starts typing on a tablet)

Employee 1: (To Manager) May I go now?

Manager: Please do.

Employee 1: (Stands, walks to the door, and opens it, but then turns back to Manager) You know, I don’t think we’ve ever clashed like this before; perhaps this is our friends-to-enemies-to-friends again-to-lovers one true romance that has been waiting for us this entire –

Manager: (Points to the door) OUT!

Employee 1: Never mind.  (Leaves)

H.R. Representative: (Pauses in typing) Does that count as violating the remediation terms already?

Manager: (Props elbows on the desk and slumps head into hands) Give one more chance – in a horrible ironic twist, that’s the only employee right now who can fix the copier when it jams.